“Gina, have you focused on your own life as much as you’ve focused on mine?”
The Coach
My soon-to-be ex-lover.
The Scene
The deck of a friend’s house overlooking a pool party.
My Focus
He never showed up on time for our dates. I’m not talking a few minutes. I mean 30 minutes, an hour. Two. Always charming in his “reasons.” When I went to his apartment one time to pick him up for a night out we had planned a week earlier, I found him naked. In a deep sleep. I wore a carefully selected outfit; hair and make-up pristine.
“I’m a lot less ready than I look,” he said. Then: megawatt smile. I spent the entire dinner trying to “understand” him. Why he couldn’t, wouldn’t show up as promised.
That date ended with us feeding each other spoonfuls of Pho at my favorite Vietnamese restaurant and afterward, well…
I know, I know. Why didn’t I kiss his cheek, return his key, jump in my Toyota and drive myself to dinner?
This Moment In History
2004. I was one year into my return from a three-year sabbatical taken from my corporate life to jumpstart a writing career. Saw some progress – a freelance column in a local newspaper; smattering of bylines in national magazines; an essay published in The New York Times. The dream, though, was to write books. I had several ideas and working manuscripts brewing. I kept up with the twice-monthly newspaper column but minced toward the long form.
The reason? “Stress,” I said, from the corporate day gig and grinding out columns at night.
Down time equaled chill time: drinks with the girls; ballroom dancing; Netflix; a lover to give me what I needed.
No time to work my book author dream. Whew! I was busy.
What Happened Next
I asked lover to go with me to therapy. I know. I know. So many lightbulbs went off for me in that single therapy session, I could swear I was on the red carpet at the Grammys, Adam Levine carrying my purse.
Flashback
To that moment on my friend’s deck at the pool party. Then, an earworm: “No wise man has the power/to reason away/what a fool believes he sees,” crooned Michael McDonald.
He doesn’t want to be in this. Why am I working so hard?
The Best Coaching Advice I Ever Received
Whether with lovers, clients, friends, consultants, family, employers or vendors, when I find myself doing most of the showing up in any relationship, I never hold the other party culpable.
Instead, I act on my ex’s stellar advice: “Gina, have you focused on your own life as much as you’ve focused on mine?”
What You Focus On Expands
During the past 15 years that advice has been one of the most
head-clearing,
self-motivating,
action-oriented reality checks
That
gets me back on track,
pinpoints what needs improvement in my world and
funnels momentum toward my goals.
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